Grief is about loss. Many only associate it with physical death, but it is about anything that feels like an ending. Several common experiences can be a breakup, the end of health through an illness, or losing a job. Some unexpected examples of grief can be missing how the holidays were when you were a kid, being so busy you don’t have time to take a breath or the state of national affairs, like an election. Grief can surprise us with its depth, breadth and intensity. Unfortunately, we Americans have been taught to avoid grief, which leaves us vulnerable because we don’t know what to do with it.

What can you do in times like this? FEEL IT.

I can hear some people thinking, “Why should I feel it when it hurts so much? Shouldn’t I just get over it and be positive?” Too often, we try to get rid of unpleasant feelings, especially during the holidays. We numb out with delicious desserts, alcohol, TV, movies, surfing the internet or partying. When you can identify when you’re enjoying yourself vs. avoiding yourself, you’ll gain greater clarity about what you’re doing, and maybe even what you need. What are your top three numbing techniques?

Recently, I was feeling really grumpy and couldn’t shake it. I fought it for three days, only growing more and more irritable. Finally, I surrendered to it, connected with it and asked for some insight. My heart responded by filling with sorrow and I started to cry as my dog’s face came to mind. She passed away last year and her one-year death anniversary is coming up. I’m grieving! While I didn’t feel good, per se, I at least felt some relief because I finally understood what was going on with me. I had no idea my grumpiness was covering my sadness, and it was telling me I need to mourn.

With my current grief, I know I will make my way through it even though it hurts right now. If there are any of you who are not so sure you will survive the grief, I encourage you to reach out for support. Talk to trusted friends or family, call a hotline or therapist, or go to a grief support group. If you would like some things you can do to help yourself, read on.

Connecting with Your Grief

Grief can be informative and transformative. When you honor grief by being present with it, you may be amazed by what it can offer you.

How can you connect with your grief? Here are a few ideas:

Breathe – 10 slow, deep breaths
Journal on one of these prompts:
- What’s heavy on my heart is…
- What I wish I could tell you is…
- What I miss most is…
- If I could change something, it would be…
Be in nature – go to a place that calms, moves or connects you
Move your body – walk, yoga, hike, dance
Listen to a song that speaks to your grief

Once connected with your grief, let yourself feel. Let yourself mourn what you have lost. Let yourself be shaken up so you can let the old go, when you’re ready.

Allow to rise within you what you need now. Do you need to open your heart again? Do you need to take better care of your mind, body and spirit? Do you need to BE more than you DO? Do you need to create something? Do you need to learn to play an instrument? Do you need to change careers?

Grief transforms us over time. Whether we wanted to change or not, we honor ourselves when we can accept what is. Here is one of my favorite quotes from a book called Honoring Grief by Alexandra Kennedy:

“Our grief wakes us up to life. We learn to hear the exquisite beauty and sorrow of being fully alive, to savor the simple moments, to cherish what’s here now. If we can hold ourselves with compassion, we can hold others with compassion. If we can let ourselves be as we are, we can allow others to be as they are. We can begin to embrace life as it is in this moment and trust the flow of life as it unfolds. Then we learn to walk the earth with wonder.” (p. 134)

If you aren’t feeling the warmth, love and connection you desire during the holidays, maybe being present with your grief will carry you there. Remember this quote and hold yourself with compassion as you’re feeling the aliveness of sorrow. Let yourself be as you are. Let yourself receive the love you need…especially from YOU. Now, more than ever.

If you’re interesting in moving through your grief and relearning to be present with yourself, visit my traditional counseling page. Please reach out on my contact page or through my scheduler, I look forward to connecting with you.

Also seen on the People House blog as "Holidays and Grief."