What you think you’re committed to doing differently could be vastly different than what you’re really committed to. What?!?! Say you are committed to getting more sleep, but when your new bedtime rolls around you find a reason to stay up. It could be a great reason such as, my kids won’t go to sleep, you need to finish the dishes, or you’re really into the show you’re currently binge watching and you’ve just got to see what’s going to happen. If you stay up rather than going to bed, then you’re not very committed to getting more sleep.
So, then, what are you committed to?
There are several possibilities. It could be that you are committed to catering to other’s needs. Perhaps you are committed to being busy and perpetually “doing.” Maybe you are committed to doing what you want when you want to do it. Or, you could be committed to feeling unwell. You may feel entirely justified in the excuses you find to not get more sleep. However, in this instance, you are more committed to your excuses than your resolution, goal or intention.
According to Debbie Ford, author of The Right Questions (2004), this is called an underlying commitment. This type of commitment lives in the unconscious part of us. It is primary and will always prevail over the other commitments you make on a conscious level. Underlying commitments are the root cause for the inconsistency between what we say we want vs. what we actually experience.
If you take a good look at your life, you will begin to see what you are truly committed to. Here are some common examples of underlying commitments:
Stay safe – never take risks
Can’t trust others – you will always be alone
Freedom – instead of structure, life is chaos
Comfort – you’ll drink, eat or entertain anyone that will give it to you
Weakness – I can’t do it on my own
Not good enough – I will sabotage myself so I can feel bad about myself
Never letting anyone tell me what to do – even if it’s myself
Having what you want when you want it
Having someone else take care of you
We begin to see that the choices we make are in perfect alignment with our first commitment. We experience an internal battle between our underlying commitments and what our heart and soul desires. If we do not examine our primary commitments, they will always win and keep us from moving into a place of empowerment. They keep us from the future we desire.
How do you recognize your underlying commitments?
Debbie Ford offered a practice on page 57 of her book, The Right Questions.
Write down a goal or desire you have not been able to achieve.
Make a list of all of the actions you have taken that are in direct opposition to this goal.
Ask yourself what commitment those choices are in direct alignment with.
Often, our underlying commitments are not flattering. Be kind to yourself! When you originally made that commitment, it was at a time when you didn’t have the freedom of choice. They are largely made when you were a kid, and the commitment served you for a while. However, they begin to unravel over time.
Now you’ve outgrown that first commitment. Recognizing it gives you the freedom to make different choices and different commitments. You now have the ability to create a new future that is in alignment with your present time truth.
In the moments when you feel like you’re being tugged in two different directions by an underlying commitment and your soul’s desire, allow yourself to pause and ask yourself a few questions.
Following are a selection of Debbie Ford’s “The Right Questions.”
Will this choice move me toward an inspiring future or keep me stuck in the past?
Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment or short term-gratification?
Will this choice add to my life force or rob me of my energy?
Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow or use it to beat myself up?
Does this choice empower me or disempower me?
Is this an act of self-love or self-sabotage?
I invite you to be compassionate and courageous as you uncover your underlying commitments and move toward the YOU and LIFE you wish to have.
To read more about recommitting to yourself, visit my traditional counseling page. To connect with me, fill out the form on my contact page or schedule a call. I look forward to hearing from you.
Also seen on the People House blog as "Choice and Commitment."